And Then I Can Go Home
by PandaFire McMango
Summary: Angel meets a little girl at the hospital, who doesn't see sickness as a reason to stop enjoying life. Little CollinsAngel, and i pretty much left the rest of the gang out just because i can. however, i still love them to bits.


**this is a pretty long fic. it's just an idea i had. Angel always seemed so good with kids...**

**disclamier: jeez, i hardly ever do these things. i do not own RENT, which is truly one of the saddest things ever, sicne it would be AWESOME if i did!!! but i don't. however, i do own Jessie. cute litttle tyke.  
**

Angel sat in her hospital bed, looking out the window. Smog and smoke floated lazily in the air above towering blocks of grey cement. Though she couldn't quite see down to the sidewalk through the window, she knew that there were hundreds, thousands of people down there, walking and running and laughing and talking and doing so many things that she was slowly losing the ability to. It was horrible to lose herself, bit by bit. First she couldn't run, then she couldn't jump. Now she knew she couldn't walk.

Angel sighed and leaned back. Collins was talking to the doctor, and he should be back soon. Mimi and Joanne were at work, while Roger was actually going to a job application and Maureen was taking part in an anti-AIDS rally of sorts. Mark was going to film it. Angel wished so much she could be there.

Sometimes, Angel wanted to be alone with herself in that cold, white room. She wanted to jam the pillow over her face and scream. But Collins hardly ever left, and now that he was gone she missed him. She had always loved him so much, but now it hurt for him to be away. They had so little left…

"Anyone in here?" piped a small voice. Angel sat up and looked around. There was no one who could have spoken. Then the door swung open, and behind it she was the culprit. A tiny little girl, maybe five or six, with a pale face and thin white arms. She was wearing a pink hospital gown that was covered with little yellow stars, and her head was swathed in bandages, right down to behind her ears and nearly to her eyebrows. She peered in curiously.

"Anyone here?" she said again, her voice like little bells ringing. Angel waved and smiled.

"Hi, honey." The little girl saw Angel and looked surprised for a moment. Then, when she saw Angel's friendly face, she relaxed and smiled too.

"Hi," she said shyly, one thumb migrating to her mouth. It stopped at her lips, then dropped to her side, as though she was a smoker who was trying to quit and had almost lit a cigarette. She edged in a little, eyes trained on Angel.

"What's your name?" asked Angel gently. The little girl shrugged.

"Jessie. What's your name?"

"Angel." Jessie giggled and took a few steps forward.

"That's a pretty name." Angel nodded happily.

"Your name is pretty too. Honey, are you lost?" Angel didn't understand why such a small child was wandering around a hospital alone. Jessie, who seemed to be gradually getting more comfortable, came closer to the bed.

"No, I'm 'sploring. My mommy is here with my big sister. They…" She frowned as she tried to think of the words. "They have to check the doctor." Angel knew she meant check in with.

"Do they know where you are?"

"They told me to 'splore." Jessie seemed totally at ease now. She came up to the side of the bed and looked up at Angel with wide, very pretty blue eyes. Angel smiled.

"You want to come and explore up here?" she asked, gesturing at the bed. Jessie grinned and nodded, showing a big gap between two teeth. Angel leaned over and picked up the girl, plopping her onto the bed by her own legs. She was surprised out how little Jessie weighed, even for someone her size. Jessie giggled as she curled up her legs by Angel's shin. She put her tiny hand on the blanket over Angel's ankle. Her wide eyes roved around the room, then back to Angel's face.

"Are you sick?" she asked curiously. Angel felt a little sad at how innocent Jessie looked as she said this. She nodded.

"Uh huh. I don't like being sick very much, though." Jessie nodded wisely, as though she were an old pro at being sick.

"I'm sick too. I've been sick a loooong time." She held out her arms wide to show just how long she had been sick. Angel felt a chill go up her back. Jessie crawled up the side of the bed, her little hands and knees padding along like cat's paws. She knelt by Angel's hip and reached out to touch her face. Angel shivered as the tiny white fingers grazed her chin.

"You don't _look_ sick. Do you have a cough?" Jessie asked, looking like a little sister playing a game with her sibling. Angel smiled and did a high-pitched, mincing cough. Jessie giggled.

"That's not a cough! This is a cough." She did a giant, hacking cough. Angel pretended to look scared.

"Oh wow! That's a bad cough! You should take some medicine." Jessie giggled again, then made a face.

"Medicine is yucky. But I'm lucky. I don't have to take normal people's medicine anymore." Angel frowned.

"What kind of medicine do you have?" Jessie bobbed her head without realizing it. As she did, Angel's eyes were drawn to the bandages wrapped tightly around the little girl's head.

"I get on this big bed, and then I go into a big machine," said Jessie, looking enthusiastic. Angel suddenly didn't feel so good. Jessie's face dropped a little.

"But I also get a lot of shots. Those aren't very nice. And I always feel icky after." She peered at Angel. "Do you get medicine, Angel?" Angel sighed and thought of the horrible drugs that she had to take at the beginning, She thought of AZT. She thought to the IV needle that was even now taped to her vein. Impulsively, she reached over and pulled Jessie into her lap. Jessie giggled and bounced up and down. Already, she trusted Angel completely.

"Yeah, I have to take medicine. I don't like it either. But at least it keeps me from coughing." Jessie smiled. She reached up and felt Angel's forehead.

"Do you get a fever? When I get a fever, my mommy stays with me all night until it goes away." Angel shook her head and smiled. Jessie looked so proud of her mother. Angel wished she knew what that was like.

"Sometimes I get a fever. But they always go away." Jessie nodded. She thought for a moment. Then her face lit up.

"Every time she comes, my big sister brings me a present. Last time she gave me a coloring book. Today she got me a big yellow puppy doll. His name is Sam, and he's floppy." Angel laughed.

"I wish I had a big sister like that. I want a puppy too! Does yours bark?" Jessie giggled.

"You're silly! He's not a _real_ puppy! He's just a toy!" Angel pretended to look surprised.

"Really? Wow!" Jessie laughed fully, a beautiful sound that made Angel feel slightly warm inside. Angel absently bounced her up and down slightly. Jessie leaned against her, the bandages around her head rustling slightly.

"My mommy says that if I'm a good girl, I'm gonna get better real soon and then I can go home. I have a real doggy at home. His name is Vanilla." Angel smiled.

"Vanilla? That's a funny name for a dog." Jessie smiled eagerly and sat up, looking brightly up at Angel.

"See, when we got him, we were real happy, so we all had some ice cream. I had vanilla ice cream, but my hands are littler than my mommy's or daddy's or my sister's, so I dropped my ice cream on the floor. Vanilla came in and he ate all my ice cream! That's why we call him Vanilla; 'cause vanilla ice cream is his favorite thing to eat in the whole wide world!" Angel laughed. Jessie looked infinitely proud of herself for making Angel laugh so hard.

"That's funny. He sounds like a great dog." Jessie nodded vigorously. Then her eyes drifted over to the bunch of flowers that Maureen had left earlier that morning on Angel's bedside table. They were the dyed kind of daisy, and Maureen had done them herself. Every flower was a different color, and they were tied together with a yellow ribbon from Maureen's scrap pile. Collins had stuck them in a vase Mimi had brought over, and they looked wonderful in the dull light of the room. Jessie gently poked the stem of the purple daisy.

"These are pretty." Angel nodded.

"One of my friends gave them to me. All of my best friends come and visit me during the day. Do your friends visit?" Jessie's face fell a little.

"Nope. My other friends are too little to come into the hospital. But I see my hospital friends all the time," she said, brightening. Angel felt sorry for Jessie. None of her outside friends could come and visit her? How awful.

"I like this one the best. It's blue. Blue's my favorite color in the whole wide world," Jessie giggled, trailing one finger across the sky-blue veined petals. Angel thought a moment, then pulled the blue flower out of the vase. She used her nail to cut off most of the stem. Then she tucked the remaining stem into a fold in Jessie's bandage. It stood out proudly, like a badge or a medal. Jessie squealed in delight.

"Blue's my favorite color too," said Angel, quietly so that Jessie didn't hear her. Jessie sat back, fingering the flower in her bandages. She gazed up at Angel.

"Guess what?" Angel smiled and cuddled Jessie close.

"What?" Jessie looked solemn.

"I got something bad that's making me sick. It's called a tumor, and it's really big." She pointed to a spot on her tummy. "It's right here, and it's inside of me. When it goes away, I can go home." Angel drew in her breath sharply. This wonderful little girl had cancer? How was that fair? She wasn't old enough to have done anything that might make her deserve this. Angel hesitated, then leaned over and bumped hr nose against the place Jessie had pointed to. Jessie broke out of her solemn face and giggled. Angel smiled.

"I'm sure it'll go away soon." Jessie grinned. Then she frowned and began to look Angel up and down.

"What's wrong with you? Do you have a tumor?" Angel sighed. Suddenly, feeling as though she owed Jessie something, she pulled down the neck of her pajamas and pointed to a lesion on her chest. Jessie stared at it.

"No, but I have these. They just mean I'm sick with something that takes a long time to get better," she said. Jessie's eyes got big, and she slowly reached up to touch the dark brown spot. Angel shivered as the little white hand stroked her skin gently, tenderly. Jessie seemed fascinated.

"Do they hurt?" she asked after a minute. Angel shook her head.

"Nope. But they aren't nice." Jessie shook her head.

"I don't like my tumor. It makes my tummy hurt." She pouted. But then a smile broke out onto her face.

"Maybe if you're real good, you'll get better soon too! Then we can both go home!" Angel blinked back tears and smiled.

"Yeah. Then we can both go home." Jessie's pumpkin-toothed grin shone like a beacon. At that moment, the door burst open and frantic-looking woman with brown hair escaping from a bun and numerous lines on her face ran in.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but have you seen a little—Jessie!" The woman dove for Jessie, scooping her up in her arms and rocking her back and forth. "Oh, I was so worried! Don't go off like that, honey, I didn't know where you were!"

"I was with Angel, Mommy!" said Jessie happily. The woman frowned confusedly.

"Who's Angel?"

"Hi," Angel said, shrugging. The woman looked up. She immediately started apologizing.

"Oh, I'm so sorry that she bothered you. Her sister and I were just talking to the doctor and all of a sudden she disappeared! I feel so awful, I—"

"Hey, it's okay," said Angel easily, holding up one hand. "She was great. We had a lot of fun talking to each other, right Jessie?" Angel reached out and tapped Jessie's nose gently. Jessie giggled. Her mother relaxed, a tired smile spreading across her face.

"In that case, thank you so much for looking after her. I never expected for her to run off…but thank you." Angel smiled.

"No problem. She's a wonderful girl, and I hope she gets better soon." The woman's smile grew, and she nodded.

"We're doing all we can, and it looks good for her."

"Especially if I'm good, Mommy?" asked Jessie. Her mother kissed her forehead.

"Especially if you're good. Now let's go. Elisabeth and I want to be with you." Jessie twisted in her mother's arms to look at Angel, who waved.

"Can I come back and see Angel again, Mommy?" Her mother shrugged.

"If it's okay with Angel." Angel nodded eagerly.

"I'd love to see her again." Jessie's mother bobbed her head.

"All right then, we'll try to arrange a play date. Say bye to Angel, Jessie." Jessie reached out and grabbed Angel's face in her tiny hands. Leaning in, she planted a little kiss on Angel's nose. Angel grinned and put one hand on Jessie's cheek. She kissed her forehead.

"Say hi to Sam for me, and be good." Jessie nodded seriously.

"You too!" Jessie exclaimed. The mother laughed and said goodbye, Then she turned and carried Jessie out of the room, the blue lower still sticking jauntily out of her bandages. Angel watched her go, then lay back and stared at the ceiling until Collins came in.

_Two weeks later…_

"Baby, you awake?" Angel sat up with effort as Collins entered the room. She had weakened considerably, but she was determined to do as much for herself as possible. He gave her a quick kiss then sat by her feet, automatically grabbing one foot through the covers. She smiled and took his free hand.

"So? Did you find her?" Collins' face fell a little. He hesitated, as though contemplating what to say. Angel's smile disappeared, and she squeezed his hand.

"That little girl, Jessie…you found her, right? I've been waiting for ages to hear from her mom, but she never came back. Weren't you able to find out what happened to her?" Collins sighed.

"Angel …I did find out." Angel brightened.

"Great! Where is she?" Collins shook his head slowly.

"Baby, I talked to a kid doctor. He said that she went a couple days ago." Angel smiled.

:"You mean went home? Good, she was so excited about going home, I'm glad she got to—Collins?" He was shaking his head again. Angel felt a chill go up her back.

"Collins…"

"She died, Angel. She had some really bad type of cancer, she'd been in the hospital forever, and the chemo wasn't working…I guess she just let go." Angel stared at him. Her mouth fell open slightly. Collins sighed and reached out to touch Angel's face. She flinched. He drew back his hand.

"It hurts, baby, I know it does. You really liked her, didn't you?" Angel barely managed to nod.

"Well, she's not suffering now. She's healthy now, she's fine…" Collins felt his own throat choking up. Not so much for the little girl as for the fact that he knew someone would probably be telling him this in a month or two. All of a sudden, he knew it wouldn't help. He would hate to be told that about Angel; that she wasn't suffering, she was healthy now that she was gone. Angel wanted the live little girl who was sick; not the dead one who was okay. Tears were running down her face silently, and this time she didn't flinch when he reached out to wipe them away.

"Angel, it's not okay, I know it's not…" She nodded slowly, and he knew just in time to put his arms around her. She sobbed into his shoulder, shuddered as he stroked her back and held her close. She clung tightly to him, trying to find some solace from the grief for a bright little child she had known only a few days. It hurt so badly inside. It hurt like everything else.

And Angel wept because she knew that sooner or later, she would go too. And like Jessie, who was better than Angel, younger and softer and so much more innocent, she would not get to go home.

Angel wanted so badly to go home.


End file.
